Friday, February 22, 2013
Left behind: I just need to vent
As I right this blog tears fall from my face because right now my CF is getting the best of me. Sometimes I just a moment to break down and cry and let everything out, and that moment is now. And I know that all of my fellow CFers will be able to relate to this post. Even though I try to put up this front that I'm not scared, tired, frustrated, angry, lonely, or weak, I can't always be strong all the time. It's not something we like to admit but it's true. I hate CF sometimes. I hate the fact that it controls my life even though I try not to let it. I hate that because of it I'm missing out on so many things I should be doing. Constantly being sick really puts a damper on getting to act my age. Right now I should be attending college, partying, living on my own. And my biggest problem should be what I'm gonna do for my 20th birthday next month. But instead I'm thinking about things like, when my next hospital stay is gonna be, how many breathing treatments I did today, whether I ordered my medications or not, or what appointments I have this week. And most recently, whether or not I'm gonna for sure be offered a spot on the transplant list or not. Even if I am offered a spot, I worry about whether I'm actually gonna get my lungs in time. I'm thankful and blessed to have people that stand by my side. But sometimes it's just not enough. Because people that say "I'm always here if you need me." aren't always there when you need them. They have their own lives, and are lucky enough that when CF becomes to much for them to handle or something better or more fun comes along, they can get up and leave. Unfortunately though, I don't have that luxury. No one with CF does. I'm stuck, trapped in a body with lungs of a 90 year old woman, that don't allow me to be the 20 year old that I want so desperately to be. I would give anything to have the life that I'm watching all of my friends live right now.
I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Prayers are very much so needed right now.