Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Starting my process to a new life
I had a doctors appointment today, not because I'm sick or anything but because I'm getting a new primary doctor. It was basically a big meeting with five of my doctors, a social worker, and a pulmonologist. It was a meeting for everyone just to touch base and discuss everything. I was scared and nervous from the moment I made this appointment a few weeks ago and today I proved myself right, that I had every reason to be scared and nervous. My doctors told me that it's about that time I start going through all the necessary steps for a transplant. Words I've dreading hearing my entire life. Words that absolutely terrify me. Words that no matter how much I've been prepared to hear, doesn't make it any better. The next time I get sick is gonna determine if I get put on "the list" or not, which will probably be by the end of the year. If I get sick and stay sick after two weeks of antibiotics and my lungs don't bounce back like they should, then that's when I start my process to a new life. I'm scared, terrified, nervous, anxious, uneasy, excited, hopefully and many other things. But before I even start the process of transplant, I have to decide on if I even want to have one or not. Something I have not yet decided. What would you choose? Living; but taking a hundred new medications, monthly procedures to see if your lungs are okay, risk of failure, being able to actually take a breathe in, walk the mall, getting to be with family/friends for a little bit longer, getting a second chance to re-live your entire. I've heard this from multiple people "getting a transplant is like trading one disease for another." And it couldn't be more true. Or just accepting that it's time and that I no longer has to suffer.
Melissa and Lauren: I just got off the phone with my two best friends in the whole world. And it was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I had been okay up until that point. But hearing the heartbreak, love, concern, sympathy, and just overall sadness in their voice completely breaks my heart. I always try to protect them from as much as I can from everything that goes on with me health wise but something this major I had to tell them. I'm so lucky to have not one but two best friends that care and love me so much. Lauren and Melissa have been my rocks through everything I've ever been through. Nothing I do or say could ever repay them for the amazing things they've done for me. I love both of them with every piece of my heart and soul. Thank you both for ALWAYS being by my side <3
My family: Mom, dad, sister, brother, grandma, aunt kay, aunt tamra, aaron, shelli, jeff. Words can't even begin to explain how grateful I am to have every single one of you in my life. Without you guys I wouldn't be the strong person I am today. Mom, you out of everyone you are the one I get my strength from. I would've given up a long time ago if I didn't have you standing beside me every step of the way, I wouldn't be here. I love you. I love all of you so much.
As the transplant process starts I will keep this updated as much as I possibly can. But forgive me if there's a few days in between each post. Please send prayer and good thoughts my way. I could really use them right now. I need strength for this fight I'm about to go through. Thank you.